Sunday, Sunday

When Sunday comes a long, I feel a sense of joy overflowing, knowing that for a short time, I will be among believers as we celebrate Jesus’s life and what He came in the world to do.  It is indeed a joy because it is like getting a slice of heaven for that hour or two.

This past weekend two messages spoke strongly to me.  Return to God, He gladly waits for me.  Secondly, don’t let my belief be shaken (Psalm 62:6).  When I feel unsteady, he steadies me.

Throughout my life, I’ve longed to solve problems on my own.  Little did I know, I can give it all to God and let him solve it!  I lean not on myself or on my own understanding (Prov.3 Verses 5 to 6). I just have to go with it.  MY eyes are closed, Lord…And you lead the way.

I just ask the Lord that He will continue to bestow upon me, wisdom for discernment.  Most of all, patience.  Nothing around us is ours to control.  But we can control our reactions.  So, God, I pray that you help me to pause each and every time..with wisdom and prudence, may my actions be the guiding light for your people.

Amen.

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A Journey

It’s been a while since my last entry.  With the demoralized incident in the catholic church, I felt like I “fell away” only to come back as a Christian stronger.  It was part of God’s journey for me.  I had to take this sabbatical and now God is putting full force in the work He has planned for me.

I work in the government and it is very institutionalized.  There’s bureaucracy and measures in place that makes it tedious to get anything done. One year I took leave without pay.  During that one year, I was allowed to apply for jobs and I did.  But I wasn’t offered any employment. But one of the valuable tools that the government freely gives us, is to go out to the corporate world and come back…with insight.

Well, I felt like I did this with my faith. I joined a non-religious meditation group. For the first time in months, I was able to sleep. For the first time in months, I let go of so much that was holding me back. I knew this was the solution for me.  But most importantly, I let go of my attachment to “getting my way.”  This was a breakthrough for me.

I am now part of the new Catholic choir and also joined a band for a local Christian church. I found that the group that accepted me was those like me — those that don’t desire or need perfection in their lives.  That is truly freedom!  I thank God for this opportunity.

May He continue to do great works in me…To further the plan of the greater good.

Helplessness

I would like to start this entry by referencing a scripture about helplessness.

Romans 8:26-27 English Standard Version (ESV)

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[a] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Why is this the topic of today? Because I’m trying to stay strong in the face of adversity. But, if I had not looked at my life so far, when has the Lord let me down? I had a troubling childhood. I lived in fear of many things. I grew up with anxiety and obsessions. But despite all, God gave me a strength of the Holy Spirit to overcome it all.

In the past few months, I’ve undergone a lot of what I felt were shame and wrongdoings. I felt condemned, rebuked. I felt both the Christian and the Catholic community persecuted me.  I feel like that character in “Frozen” Elsa, who said, “make one wrong move and everyone will know.”  Well now they know–My vulnerability, my weakness.  And the hurt was too much for me to bear, because I thought they were with me. My expectations let me down hard.

I found a meditation group that showed so much engagement, show much love, and much caring. They spoke int he language I understand. The language of responsiveness.  They helped me to understand human truth, without religion involved.  They helped me understand my downfall as a normal human with consciousness, a normal human with needs and desires like everyone else.  They also taught me how I carried around a measuring stick and how this has been the cause of my anxiety and depression.

In truth, when we return to God, all materials things are relinquished and we become the universe, one again.  If we knew the truth that everything that occurs in our minds were false, we can come to the universal truth, versus the egoistic truth that I believe myself to be in (“She hates me”, “She’s jealous of me” “No one is on my side”).

I’ve learned that I could not be a model at age 18. I was too short, I did not have the right look and the answer was “no.”

I’ve learned that I could not get my job to become a permanent job in FL so my family won’t have to move again (the answer was “no.”).

I’ve tried ministry and the church failed me – not one but multiple catholic churches (the answer is “no.”)

I’ve learned helplessness…. In psychology terms, basically when the bar has been lowered and I have a chance, it would mean “why bother.” I’ve tried and tried.

But, maybe failure is a good sign. It means, that victory is not far away.  Even if that hope is a speckle of dust (like the movie, the Neverending story), you can rebuild.  So, Jesus, know that I am trying and praying without ceasing.

God gave me a spirit of a strong mind, and I must believe it.

God’s Timing Wins

At the age of 44, I look back on my life and see all those things that I desired.  And realize why God never granted them. I felt rejected. I felt hurt, that I was not good enough.  Now I realize that God’s plan is better and bigger.  He needed me to take this journey. He needed me to know that because he was “silent” he wasn’t ignoring me. I had to see the roses along the path in order to reach my goal.

I used to think people frustrated me. In fact, no one can frustrate me but myself. It is a constant battle, even today.  But I believe that frustration is actually my needs not aligning with God’s needs. I want this, but he says that.

We live from a self-centered world and God does not live that way. He sees the big picture and our role in it. So even if I had to spend 19 years doing work that was frustrating, at year 20, I finally am at the point where I get to do what I enjoy doing in my job. Why is that? It’s God’s timing.  He wins. We are there to glorify His will and purpose.  It’s hard to deny ourselves, but Jesus did.

Instead of staying focused on the goal, we need to stop and see the roses along the path. We all have a purpose, if we believe. Nothing is an accident, and as we read in revelations, it is comforting feeling to know that in the end, we have won.

The Rain Came Down…

It’s been a while since my last spiritual entry.  Seems like I am putting this on the back burner.  I don’t know why, but I do know the underlying factor is fear.

Today, I put fear back where it was supposed to be. It thundered and showered like crazy in DC. That didn’t stop me from leaving and going home.  But I did get a revelation which was from the Almighty.  God’s timing is always perfect.  I just have to wait.  The rain will subside.

If I don’t, then I simply get rained on.  I did not let fear stop me.  Fear is essentially based on the unknown. There is no guarantee in life we will make it to work every day. There is no guarantee in life that we will make it home everyday.  There is no reassurance.

But one can be like the smart man (not the fool), and at least, use the tools that God gave us.  Those tools are – using your knowledge to better your chances of survival.  Build your house on a strong foundation.  And the rain will not wash you away.

Where Is Jesus?

There was once a powerful sermon by Joyce Meyer about spiritual attacks.  It seems the darkness attacks us, not only when we are doing something wrong, but when we are also doing something right, she says.  He attacks us when our guard is down.  He works even stronger, when we are abiding by Jesus’ ways.  It seems the more I am trying to reach out to His people, this is where the evil one comes to me and stirs in battles, causes doubts, stress, and anxiety to arise in my self.  If I knew I had Jesus, I would not let the words of another get to me.  I would not hold on to grudge as I have.  I would not take it personal.

It’s time likes this where I ask Jesus, where are you?  Why have you forsaken me?  Why have I even doubted He was gone?  My last post talked about the difference between doubt and non-belief is a huge one.

Jesus commands us to forgive one another, as He has forgiven us. I’m still hanging onto hurt, to justify my reasons to have them feel the pain “they” bestowed me.  I was thinking of one of my favorite scriptures today and I said, I must not let pride and fear cause me to rebel against my brothers and sisters.  I must remember these words from 1 John 4:18 – fear is the absence of love.     https://biblehub.com/1_john/4-18.htm

How many times have you avoided calling a friend because of that fear? Or be the first to reach out, when you really wanted to?  Are you letting fear get in the way of love?  Take the scriptures to heart and see Jesus as everyone sees.  He is closer than we imagine.

 

Doubt Produces Faith

I went to a powerful Sunday celebration yesterday.  The preacher said, “doubt produces faith.” I never saw it that way about doubt at all.  In fact, I thought the reason I have doubts about God, makes me question my own faith.  This just affirms exactly what I have felt all along. That the spirit of God is with me and continues to work in me.  The preacher said, doubt makes our faith stronger.  He said the opposite of faith is non-belief.  And we know many non-believers out there, don’t we?

Because I speak and I talk as if I had authority, I have been met with resistance not only with believers, but non-believers alike.  It’s terrible what a secular world can do to you.  It’s like being gay and not wanting to come out.  The truth is, Christians are the worst persecuted religion especially if we compare our religion to other religions, in our right to express ourselves.  (this by human standards).

This is to end this blog shortly and just say… Do not shoot the messenger. As believers and followers of Jesus, we are all His messengers.  Please, don’t allow them to silence you.