I would like to start this entry by referencing a scripture about helplessness.
Romans 8:26-27 English Standard Version (ESV)
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
Why is this the topic of today? Because I’m trying to stay strong in the face of adversity. But, if I had not looked at my life so far, when has the Lord let me down? I had a troubling childhood. I lived in fear of many things. I grew up with anxiety and obsessions. But despite all, God gave me a strength of the Holy Spirit to overcome it all.
In the past few months, I’ve undergone a lot of what I felt were shame and wrongdoings. I felt condemned, rebuked. I felt both the Christian and the Catholic community persecuted me. I feel like that character in “Frozen” Elsa, who said, “make one wrong move and everyone will know.” Well now they know–My vulnerability, my weakness. And the hurt was too much for me to bear, because I thought they were with me. My expectations let me down hard.
I found a meditation group that showed so much engagement, show much love, and much caring. They spoke int he language I understand. The language of responsiveness. They helped me to understand human truth, without religion involved. They helped me understand my downfall as a normal human with consciousness, a normal human with needs and desires like everyone else. They also taught me how I carried around a measuring stick and how this has been the cause of my anxiety and depression.
In truth, when we return to God, all materials things are relinquished and we become the universe, one again. If we knew the truth that everything that occurs in our minds were false, we can come to the universal truth, versus the egoistic truth that I believe myself to be in (“She hates me”, “She’s jealous of me” “No one is on my side”).
I’ve learned that I could not be a model at age 18. I was too short, I did not have the right look and the answer was “no.”
I’ve learned that I could not get my job to become a permanent job in FL so my family won’t have to move again (the answer was “no.”).
I’ve tried ministry and the church failed me – not one but multiple catholic churches (the answer is “no.”)
I’ve learned helplessness…. In psychology terms, basically when the bar has been lowered and I have a chance, it would mean “why bother.” I’ve tried and tried.
But, maybe failure is a good sign. It means, that victory is not far away. Even if that hope is a speckle of dust (like the movie, the Neverending story), you can rebuild. So, Jesus, know that I am trying and praying without ceasing.
God gave me a spirit of a strong mind, and I must believe it.