Confusion and Chaos

I remember somewhere, somehow, the terms confusion, chaos and obsession were the works of the devil.  As I try to lean toward God during a time of difficulty, it is here where I feel most closest to the enemy.  The enemy has prowled, he has devoured, and he has accomplished –at least in a temporary sense.  He does not know however, that victory is God’s.  God uses all people for His purposes and good.

I try to be a good person — one that helps the community, one that conforms with society, one that everyone will “approve of.”  But at age 43, many things I have learned was not the goal of God’s kingdom.  For example, being self-reliant.  Just who do I think I am, thinking I, alone can change myself.

Having riveted over dozens and dozens of self-help book, since the time I was in college, I was often ridiculed by my mom how none of it seemed to have “helped.”  That’s because I didn’t realize that God was in charge.  I thought I could just read a book, absorb the material, and start implementing the ideas….Ha!  Was I in for a ride.

Several months ago, I was at a vending machine and before I even put my coin in, I was already pessimistic saying that it’s going to take my money (because based on past experiences it has).  The guard who was there made a comment, be careful of your vibes into the universe.  He suggested I watch the “Secret” video on YouTube. I did not know that was self-help book at the time.  Later, after I finally did watch it, it was all a culmination of everything I learned but could not apply to my life.  The law of attraction –I see pessimism, and so my life is.

My point in all of this?  Confusion.  I would ask 20 people for the same questions to an answer.  I would go to bookstores, reading hundreds of books, hoping for a cure.  I’m confused right now, what is the correct course of action.  Because in the end…..there is no doing 100% right in this world.  Chaos is evident, life has limitless choices, and God just wants us to journey through this world, following His guidelines and precepts.  It’s between Him and me now.  Chaos, confusion, and obsession (in my case, to be perfect and good in every way, pleasing to EVERYONE –not possible) these are the devil’s lies.

And just in case you think evil won; think again.  All my actions (good and bad) play a role in God’s plan.  As I remember victory, I can rest assured, I am forgiven.


My Faith Journey

The test of time continues to test my faith.  As I grow, I also realize many things a long the way.  I can learn, but can I practice.  I can hear, but can I be a doer?  I appreciate all that God has given me and continues to give me as I journey forward to fulfill his will.

Let me start at the last Retreat, Mercy and Mary.  I learned from that time with Jesus, that having and giving mercy is what He wants us to do now.  And the only way to be perfect like Him is to LOVE HIM.  Love PERFECTLY, like your heavenly father.

Then I learn through various devotions from the Bible App – that suffering is a good thing and is necessary.

Humility – this is still new to me and one very hard for me to grasp.  As I was growing up, I suffered from social anxiety and humility was very uncomfortable. It made me feel unloved and rejected to look like a fool.  Fast forward 30 years later, and I’m taking a SoulCore class, which I got certified to lead, and as we pray the rosary, one of the virtues we are to follow is humility.  How odd.  Humility is in a way, the opposite of pride.  Humility is showing your vulnerable side.  Humility says, I’m humble and you are better than me.  This doesn’t sound like something the world cherishes.

Other demons still haunting me? Yes. Strong and rampant… Jealousy and rejection.  Rejection that the person I love does not see me the same.  Jealousy that the person I’m jealous of, has the love of that person.  If it were the old me (and trust me I’m still in there somewhere) I would simply put the person down to make myself feel better.  That’s the pride in me.  Why is pride one of deadly sins…Because it is deadly!!!  She deserves happiness and so does he.  Why am I jealous of what I cannot have.  God has been so abundant with me.  The jealousy stems from not enough “for me.”  It’s natural, it’s normal.  It comes down to competing for God’s love.  I have yet to understand this.

Rejection.. God has experienced rejection from men over 2,000 years ago.  They rejected him before they did me.  SO why is it so terrible for me to accept.  I take all my fears and feelings of rejection to the cross.

Forgiveness – well, that’s been my problem all this time.  How can I forgive others when I can’t forgive myself.  Thank you Father (the priest I tallked to) who partook in this wisdom for me.  I must not reject God’s forgiveness, as long as I’m alive.  He already died for all my sins past, present and to come.

Well, that’s all I have to say for today.  A lot of things still hanging there, a lot to be absorbed and practice, and praying for the Holy Spirit to change me..and my heart to be true.  No more games, or playing hard to get.  No more lies. Just me and the gift that God has given me.  I will draw the right people into my life by being me, by being real and by being vulnerable.

My Way back to God

It has been four years since I’ve last updated this blog.  I suppose a lot has changed, though a lot has remained the same.  What I know to be true, is that I truly have an apostolate to carry out, and it is becoming more and more clear.

Reviewing previous blogs from 2014, I now know that God is continuing to prepare me for an important plan .  He has slowly reveal to me, what He wants me to do.

This doesn’t mean, I’m free of struggles from the everyday and ordinary life that all Catholics and Christians face.  It just means that sooner, rather than later, I will make my way back to Christ.

Two weeks ago, I joined a retreat for leading a new exercise movement founded by Catholic leaders, called SoulCore.  It combines rosary prayer to exercise movement, to deepen our relationship with God, while meditating on the virtues of each mystery.  I am more than willing and ready, not only because I have a desire to do so, but that I know my full purpose will be realized.  In this process, we (SoulCore leaders class 16) are currently on day 13 of the Morning Glory consecration process.  I am so happy and thrilled and can’t wait to see what lies ahead of me.


The Lord is My Shepherd; There is Nothing I Shall Want

This is a well-known psalm from the bible, Psalm 23:1-6:  The Lord is My Shepherd; I shall not want.  I’ve heard a priest told me that when evil thoughts and desires enter into my mind, that we use a scripture over and over again to combat those thoughts.  If we know and trust in God and his abundance for us, we will not desperately look for ways to fulfill it.

This week’s Church teachings are this:  God says “No” to us sometimes when we ask because he sees a better plan for us.  We are to have more empathy for other people and to show pity for them, as God has shown pity to his people when he came to the earth.  If we can continue to live Godly lives with just a few versus and scripture, life would be good.  But we will continue to struggle always because of our human nature of wanting to be satisfied.  When will be satisfied?  When will we say, “I have enough” or “I am enough.”

I pray that the Holy Spirit will come upon me more often and give me wisdom in what to say, or do to be the person that God wants me to be.  God loves all his creations, even with flaws so with this we need to trust that his love for us is unchanging despite our human needs and wants.  We must pray daily to choose God’s will and that all we need will be provided.

Hearing God’s Call

It has been a long week of learning.  First is about how we can have a relationship with God, through sacrifice and atonement.  Because we are human, we are bound to sin and with that sin, comes the sacrificial lamb that must pay the price.  Atonement means we are reconciled with God.

Next is the inevitable fact of sin entering our lives — sin happens when we give in to temptation.  Sin happens when we put our own needs first.  Murder is sin in loudly being extremely selfish.  So now we know what sin and temptation does to us, what do we do?

We pray to God, to help us to hear his call, to choose his will.  This means denying ourselves and putting other people first.  Jesus put his life before his sheep we should follow in his foot steps as taught in Mass today.  We should all choose to be pastors. We should choose to worship him, instead of choosing other activities that does not draw us near to him.  We need both intellect  (thought) and faith (our hearts) to be in his presence.

This week’s Theme:  Strive for wisdom, and let your faith in God drive you.  My application – I will study for my computer certifications but will trust in God in showing me what I need to know.

As God has sacrificed and laid down his life for us first, we too can choose others before our own our own desires.

Go Two Miles

Whenever we decide to pursue our desires, we forget God’s desire. It is important to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. I am praying that I learn this delicate balance. As I refer to Matthew 7:12, I think and meditate a lot on this.

“Do to others what you would like them do to you.”

Neighbors and Enemies

Matthew 7:41 – “If someone forces you to go a mile, do two miles.”

Therefor, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This is the second great commandment.

Thoughts of the Week:  If we know that God dwells in everyone, even in our enemies, we can learn to walk in His ways.  This is no an easy task, but continue to pray that each day we will be closer in glorifying God by doing His will.

The Forgiveness of Sins

As we head into the final Sunday of lent, God has called upon me to hear Him and know Him — know what He has done for us. God loved us so much that he died for us so that we will be free of sin and guilt. Why is it so hard then, to pursue His will instead of our own?

Last week’s mass, our priest said that sin is the absence of God’s love. I believe that if we wonder whether or not any of our actions would be sinful, we can contemplate this idea. Laws are black and white, but the heart of God’s law is mercy.

This Week’s Thoughts: Pray daily to God – thank Him for what He has done so that we would be made right again. Ask Him to be with us so that we would avoid temptation and the near occasion of sin. Let us follow Him before our own desires.